A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Please do be polite and don't spill my beer

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Mon Mar 12, 2018 2:21 pm

In memory of Kenneth Arthur lets have some Doddisms

!I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

"Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day."

"It's ten years since I went out of my mind. I'd never go back."

"Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost."

"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move."

"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."

"Honolulu: it's got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

"Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese", on approaching his 80th birthday.

"Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?'"

"How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday."

"How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried."

"Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh."

"Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'."

"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'."

"Love makes the world go round, or it does if you are a man over 50."

"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'."

"So this fellow tells the doctor, 'Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.' The doctor asks, 'What do you take?' 'Pepper'."

"I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girl friends suffered from asthma."

"An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in."

"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut."
James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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Coyote Jim
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Coyote Jim » Mon Mar 12, 2018 2:33 pm

Cracking compilation. :smt005
A class act from the good old days. :wink:
And other shows. :lol:
"Cymbiosis"
LP12,Cirkus,K-Radikal,Urika,Keel,Linn mat,Ekos SE/1,Kandid,Majik I Dynamik,Majik CD,
Kudos X3,Quadraspire Q4 EVO, Linn Silvers & K200 Black with Linn Knekt Bananas. 8) :smt023

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Fri Mar 16, 2018 2:44 pm

Just had this email. Does anyone actually fall for this crap? Gave me a laugh anyway.
Good Day,

My name is Rakeem Belhasa and am a banker working with Barclays bank Dubai in United Arab Emirates (U.A.E). I write to contact you over a very important business transaction which will be of our best interest and benefit to both our families.

In 2006, Mr. Shafi whose surname is same as yours and has your country in his file as his place of origin, made a fixed deposit for 48 months, valued at $14,500,000.00 with my bank. I was his account officer before I rose to the position of branch accountant.

The maturity date for this deposit is 16th of September 2010. Sadly, Mr. Shafi was among the dead victims of May 12, 2008 million earthquake in China that left over 70,000 people dead while he was there on business trip.

Since the last quarter of 2010 until today, the management of my bank has been finding means to reach him so as ascertain, if he will roll over the deposit or have the contract sum withdrawn.

When I discovered that this will happen, I have tried to think up a procedure to preserve this fund and use the proceeds for business.

Some directors here have been trying to find out from me the information about this account and the owner, but I have kept it closed because, I know that if they become aware that Mr. Shafi is late, they will take the funds for themselves.

Therefore, am seeking your co-operation to present you as the one to benefit from his fund at his death since you have the same name, so that my bank headquarters will pay the funds to you. I have done enough inside bank arrangement and you only have to put in your details into the information network in the bank computers and reflect you as his next of kin.

Upon your agreement with this proposal, I intend for you to retain 50% of the funds while 50% shall be for me. Please Kindly forward your response to me through my private and personal email address for further confidentiality proceedings.

Sincerely,
Rakeem Belhasa
James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:24 am

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James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Sun Mar 18, 2018 7:58 pm

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James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Wed Mar 21, 2018 2:22 pm

Apparently Ladies are favouring old style sparkly hair decoration when going out partying these days. There was an article in my local paper saying that there is a Tiara boom today
James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Wed Mar 21, 2018 6:27 pm

bananas.jpg

via Mrs O
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James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Mon Apr 09, 2018 5:16 pm

I was visiting my niece over the weekend. I asked her to pass me the Telephone Directory.

"Oh Uncle, you are so old fashioned" she said and passed me her smart phone.

The phone was knackered, but I got that bloody spider
James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

Scooter
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Scooter » Thu May 10, 2018 11:54 am

Jose Mourinho has visited Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital today. “He is struggling to string a sentence together and looked as miserable as sin” Sir Alex told reporters afterwards.
I would like a title before my name
Maybe a baron, duke or a dame
I could be knighted Sir Mr Working Class

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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion » Sun May 13, 2018 10:14 am

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James
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Fluted Afro LP12, Khan, Kore, Cirkus, Tranquillity, Trampolin2, Radikal (with Allium Skin Mods), EKOS SE/1, sKale, DVXX-2mkII, HoL Mat

Lots of black boxes connected with bits of damp string.

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