A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Please do be polite and don't spill my beer
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Mr Onion
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A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

From the genius that is Spike Milligan

There was a young man named Wyatt
whose voice was exceedingly quiet
And then one day
it faded away...


Best said out loud, for obvious reasons.

No over to you. Make them funny, and keep them clean(ish)
James


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grimreaper46
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by grimreaper46 »

Probably doesn't work on here but in a pub after a few pints...

Question, "How do you sell a pig to a deaf man?"

"Want to buy a pig?"

Very very loud...

I like daft jokes as well.

What red and sounds like a parrot?

A Carrot
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Dan Steel
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Dan Steel »

The Scouse Indian - Hang-on-a-mo


The Jewish cowboy - The Cisco Yid


The Scouse Tennis Player - Vitus Gorra-light-ace


Laugh a minute..... :smt005
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Jazz Club »

I have a picture of a dog with a club foot.
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

Roses are red
Violets are Blue
My sister in law
Has a funny tattoo
In fact she has three
And you know where she's gotem?
A flower on each knee
And a mouse on her elbow.

©Bill Oddie (I think)
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

Young Debs would always get shirty
When her fellow pilots began to get flirty
She said "it is plain
but I'll say it again"
I have only one love, and thats Berty

(Sorry, but Albert wasn't easy to get in a limerick. For those who don't know, the aeroplane Debs used to drive pilot is a C130 Hercules, known as 'Fat Albert')
James


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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Coyote Jim »

Johnny played with rowdy boys
They never looked after their toys
neighbours complained but boys will be boys
While playing with his bike one day he dumped it on the grass
Then when running he fell over it and a pedal went up his a**e :shock:
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

Murphy's Law of DIY

Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.

If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.

You always need more paint.

You never have enough nails, screws or glue.

The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.

Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.

To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by grimreaper46 »

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A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory

Live Long And Prosper
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Jazz Club »

Many years ago when my daughter was 5 she was talking with a friends son aged 4.
She said i have just had chicken pox.
He said my mum has never bought me that.
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by KG648 »

The doctor is after me now, no more laughing for 5 days. :(
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Mr Onion
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

No Traffic light to halt his flight
No signs to tell him nay.
No traffic jam to block his path,
As home he wends his way.
As free as air the seagull glides,
He'll swoop down where he may,
To where another seagull sits,
And kick him out the way.

© Gerald Wiley (I think)

... and if I don't here anything else on this topic, I will be forced to tell you my Onion joke
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Coyote Jim »

Did you know that Gerald Wiley was a pseudonym used by the late great Ronnie Barker :roll:
Barker began using the pseudonym Gerald Wiley when writing sketches because he wished the pieces to be accepted on merit and not just because was a star of many programmes he submitted the scripts secretly through his agent.
Sorry it's not a joke. :smt018
Just going to divest myself of my anorak. :smt009
Time for that onion joke. :smt017



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A: Tear gas. :smt005
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

Yes, I did know Gerald was Ronnie. Somehow it seems like its something I have always known.

I'll save the onion joke until I am feeling really evil, so for now :-

The genius that was Spilligan.

What time is it Eccles?
James


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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So that thy can hide in Cherry Trees.

What? You have never seen an elephant in a cherry tree? It works, doesn't it? :smt023
James


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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by grimreaper46 »

What's brown and sticky?















A stick.
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

grimreaper46 wrote:What's brown and sticky?















A stick.

Now thats my sort of joke
James


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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."
James


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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

My sister made a fortune by selling batteries to Brighton holiday makers to use in their Radios.

In fact she was so successful that they wrote a song about her.
She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore.
I am warning you, the onion joke is getting closer and closer.
James


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Dan Steel
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Dan Steel »

How do you get sausages out of the pan , without using a fork and knive?

Pull the chain. :smt005
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Coyote Jim »

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to row then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to row over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as pid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. :oops:
Should have posted it next door no offence :smt023
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by grimreaper46 »

You missed one expert who can not tell if the light needs changing or if it is worth the expense. Plus of course the biassed person who will only change it for a genuine Linn one.
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Coyote Jim »

It did need changing as it was a blind A/B test. :shock:
And it was a Linn one as the feet were tapping (tune dem) :lol:
Did sound a little bit brighter though. 8)
They're in their element now or should that be filament. :smt023
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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Mr Onion »

I was always reluctant to try Rhubarb ...





... but then I forced myself
James


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Re: A Laugh a Day keeps the Doctor away

Post by Jazz Club »

Man U out of Europe.I have been laughing every day since. :D :D :D :D
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